Can a marriage survive a Staycation?

The screams, the cries, the bloodshed! Yes, my husband has two weeks to witness the terrifying reality that is a stay-at-home holiday with me and the kids. Will he survive? Will I end up sectioned? Just how many mini milks does it take to appease a screaming toddler? I have 2 weeks to find out.

It is day 4 of our family staycation, my husband has sunk into a deep depression and after four days of torment it has finally dawned on me THIS IS NOT A HOLIDAY. My husband would normally install himself in the arse groove of his favourite sofa, drink beer and watch car porn on Sky, his laptop or both. So I took matters in hand and posted an itinerary on Facebook of events I thought he may appreciate.

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DAY 1: The day starts out on the lawn with the other Early Risers for brisk star jumps! Followed by breakfast in the morning room (aka crèche). Oooh watch out for the incoming Megablocks Missiles!! All in the name of fun!

But there will be no time to relax . . . Oh no . . . .

CRAFT TIME: shelf building.

AFTERNOON: A cultural trip to the centre of our historic market town. Meet some local characters drinking under the town hall and watch some diverse street theatre as the police search and hunt out local hooligans in a variety of drinking houses.

EVENING ENTERTAINMENT: a toddler devised treasure hunt (Prize? . . . The bath plug).
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DAY 2: PLEASE NOTE EARLY START for the sights and delights of Peppa Pig World - see how Peppa launched her career then pay homage to the TV star at the Hog Roast.

Picnic lunch to be supplied.

EVENING ENTERTAINMENT: back to back special screening of Ben & Holly's Little kingdom (featuring unseen footage).
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DAY 3: No staycation is complete without the obiligatory trip into the attic, wonder in amazement at what mouldy goods from yesteryear can be discovered and marvel at how we got by without them.

Followed by; TIP TRIP! Yay!

GAMES NIGHT: based loosely on ITV's The Cube, you must complete complex tasks against the clock - Cot reconstruction and the re-arranging of our daughter's room is just one of the exciting activities. *Philip Schofield was not available, but a representative has been appointed.
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DAY 4: IT'S CARNIVAL TIME - games and stalls and perhaps a swift half of ale (only half mind). And great games such as "guess how much loose change the toddler has swallowed" (prize? can of Carlsberg, prize giving and results will be available by Day 6 (day 7 to be safe).

EVENING ENTERTAINMENT: it's ethnic night! Time for you to have a well earned night off from cooking all week, a Chinese banquet will be served (courtesy of Red Dragon Takeaway).
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Sadly I got as far as Day 4 when I realised he had failed to see the humour and we are now occupying separate rooms, I can't be sure but I don't think he's talking to me, however I will check for vital signs later and his reaction time with a cold can of Fosters. Still my eldest daughter's enjoying Discover Turbo what she won't know about a Sierra gear box won't be wo

How on earth do I survive another two weeks? Suggestions on a postcard (please include in the title "Wish you Were Here").

My name is Nelli and I have virtually no friends! I am hoping to achieve a higher state of friendlessness by 2013. It's been a hard slog, but I found that with the help of a few indignant comments over Facebook, or some derogatory remarks about a friend's kitten pics my friend list count has dropped from 44 to 23. And I feel this is reason to celebrate. Why? Well for a while now I have felt that my friends were a burden to me (or was I a burden to them) here the line is somewhat blurred . . . . But i digress, I need to get out of two upcoming social events a 35th birthday party and a hen night. I am 38 years old, married with two kids, I have never enjoyed hen nights/girls nights out for the following reasons:

Hen night scenario 1: a good mate gets really pissed, starts sobbing over marriage/work/*kitten issues and I end up staying sober to ensure they make it home. NEVER LEAVE A WOUNDED SOLDIER.

*Never suggest the names "Temporary", "Experiemental Subject 0023", or "Pirelli" as possible name for kittens, even in jest.

Hen night scenario 2: I get really pissed, after being "forced" to drink half a pint of Sambuca (various flavours) and end up sleeping in the downstairs guest room otherwise known as the downstairs WC, with only Peppa Pig Wellies for a pillow. PLEASE NOTE, I have to make it home on my own . . . . No chaperone for me!

Hen night scenario 3: the bride gets really pisssed and starts regretting the pending marriage as the groom was caught screwing the local mobile spray tan girl and they had a foursome with a couple from the local PTA. It is at this point I am unsure as to whether the bride-to-be is upset because she didn't receive an invite, but feel it probably wouldn't be correct procedure to question her further.

But I am tired, I am sick and tired of making up excuses to get out of these events the amount of time and energy I am wasting in the name of diplomacy and "niceness" is just draining.

So I decided to mail shot all my mates (the ones I have left) with a kind of "how to deal with Nelli guide" (see below):

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Dear friends of past, present and future!

Firstly if you are reading this then please rest assured I think you're ace! Top girl/bloke generally a good all round mate. But it has come to my attention that I need to lay some ground rules:

1) please do not invite me to the following; baby showers, hen nights, Ann summers parties, girls nights out. I may consider birthday parties, BBQ's and other but I would like to reserve the right to refuse. Mainly because I am really crap at these events and can only handle a spritzer or two.

Some of you may remember my heavy use of Sambuca during my college days . . . these days are gone. My liver now resembles an enlarged piece of coal.

I also do not want to insult you with the following excuses, which I would be forced to use:

"Eldest daughter has chicken pox, I know four times this year, yes, she is a wonder to science."

"I have been incarcerated at Her Majesty's Pleaseure, I will forward the visiting hours to you (just as soon as my cell mate extracts the mobile phone)"

Or . . . . "I have been prescribed antibiotics for my dodgy ear. Come on people that's just poor!"

I have just changed my religion which means I must now spend my evenings contemplating how lucky I am to be allowed to exist on this earthly of earths and cannot drink alcohol.

2) please do not ask for my opinion on naming your pets. Many friends have been lost this way. As apparently I'm "just not that funny" and "experimental subject #00235" is just in poor taste.