Can a marriage survive a Staycation?

The screams, the cries, the bloodshed! Yes, my husband has two weeks to witness the terrifying reality that is a stay-at-home holiday with me and the kids. Will he survive? Will I end up sectioned? Just how many mini milks does it take to appease a screaming toddler? I have 2 weeks to find out.

It is day 4 of our family staycation, my husband has sunk into a deep depression and after four days of torment it has finally dawned on me THIS IS NOT A HOLIDAY. My husband would normally install himself in the arse groove of his favourite sofa, drink beer and watch car porn on Sky, his laptop or both. So I took matters in hand and posted an itinerary on Facebook of events I thought he may appreciate.

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DAY 1: The day starts out on the lawn with the other Early Risers for brisk star jumps! Followed by breakfast in the morning room (aka crèche). Oooh watch out for the incoming Megablocks Missiles!! All in the name of fun!

But there will be no time to relax . . . Oh no . . . .

CRAFT TIME: shelf building.

AFTERNOON: A cultural trip to the centre of our historic market town. Meet some local characters drinking under the town hall and watch some diverse street theatre as the police search and hunt out local hooligans in a variety of drinking houses.

EVENING ENTERTAINMENT: a toddler devised treasure hunt (Prize? . . . The bath plug).
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DAY 2: PLEASE NOTE EARLY START for the sights and delights of Peppa Pig World - see how Peppa launched her career then pay homage to the TV star at the Hog Roast.

Picnic lunch to be supplied.

EVENING ENTERTAINMENT: back to back special screening of Ben & Holly's Little kingdom (featuring unseen footage).
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DAY 3: No staycation is complete without the obiligatory trip into the attic, wonder in amazement at what mouldy goods from yesteryear can be discovered and marvel at how we got by without them.

Followed by; TIP TRIP! Yay!

GAMES NIGHT: based loosely on ITV's The Cube, you must complete complex tasks against the clock - Cot reconstruction and the re-arranging of our daughter's room is just one of the exciting activities. *Philip Schofield was not available, but a representative has been appointed.
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DAY 4: IT'S CARNIVAL TIME - games and stalls and perhaps a swift half of ale (only half mind). And great games such as "guess how much loose change the toddler has swallowed" (prize? can of Carlsberg, prize giving and results will be available by Day 6 (day 7 to be safe).

EVENING ENTERTAINMENT: it's ethnic night! Time for you to have a well earned night off from cooking all week, a Chinese banquet will be served (courtesy of Red Dragon Takeaway).
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Sadly I got as far as Day 4 when I realised he had failed to see the humour and we are now occupying separate rooms, I can't be sure but I don't think he's talking to me, however I will check for vital signs later and his reaction time with a cold can of Fosters. Still my eldest daughter's enjoying Discover Turbo what she won't know about a Sierra gear box won't be wo

How on earth do I survive another two weeks? Suggestions on a postcard (please include in the title "Wish you Were Here").