They say that money can't buy you taste, but it can buy you a champagne shag pile and gold plated dolphin taps. . . . Sadly I have neither (taste and money that is), but I do have a visit from the mother in law pending.
My Mother-in-law operates under the misguided belief that you are not a proper woman and you have achieved nothing in life until your house resembles WAGS style show home level status. My Mother-in-law has a five bedroom, three bathroom, luxury property in the Cotswolds and money to lavish on it. I have a two bed property on a social housing estate near Swindon, young children and austerity measures imposed by my husband. I have a greater chance of achieving gold in Rio 2016 and winning Eurovision (see previous blog) than I have polishing the turd that I have come to know and love as my house.
It's fighting the tidal wave . . . No, tsunami, of Lego and Peppa pig jigsaws, the wall art and the stained carpet that I struggle with, my style of decor is not so much shabby chic as shabby shite. My toddler, a self styled Banksey, has created many a stunning wall mural. Wall art is easily achieved, all you need is one bored toddler (I acquired one two and half years ago after a drunken night drinking booze cruise Schnapps with my husband), a pack of jumbo sized crayons (I favour purple and black) and leave to simmer for 20 minutes. I now have faces on my walls and when I asked my oldest why she drew the faces, she replied "I was lonely mummy" I fear this is a sad indictment of my mothering skills.
As for the carpet, it was difficult but I have managed to achieve a wave effect running through it complete with historical stain pattern charting my daughter's weaning progress. To be honest I am thinking of investing in NHS style flooring in the living room, complete with drain in bottom corner, that way I can just hose down the floor after the kids are in bed with Karcher pressure washer.
So after two days of scrubbing I have achieved ornamental bathroom status. It has been roped off and can be admired from afar by the family, but IT WILL NOT BE USED. I have informed husband and family that they are free to use the downstairs loo and the small fun-sized sink in there for washing and other bathroom activities and that there also perfectly adquate public loo facilities available in our town market place and Budgens car park. I have Cillit Banged the dishes (for an extra added shine) and chipped some of the hardened Ready Brek off the walls.
Finally I need to spray mount the kids to the sofa and the toys to the shelves and we are nearly I there. I can't hide the torn bit of the sofa or the chipped skirting boards they will have to wait until I win the lottery. I will now brace myself for the In-Law Onslaught!
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